I'm Such a Fool
by Thagguy
Summary: Being Sayaka Miki is suffering, darn tootin'.


"Look, I'm feeling ya, really I am," said the talking mustard-yellow bulldog as he waved his hands-not paws, hands- around, "my wife had one for a while that made her sound like an old man. Could be worse, right?"

The blue-haired teenager he was speaking to whirled around on her toes to stab an accusing finger in the shapeshifting dog's eyes. His entire head shifted-not leaned, as one would expect from something possessing a spine, but simply shifted like a brick on top of a wall being pushed back- to avoid the finger.

"You sure are a powerful idiot! This here contraption ain't worth it's weight in fool's gold!"

"Well, that's not very nice," Jake muttered sullenly, "...I think. I don't really understand what you're talking about."

Sayaka Miki's face turned a fierce, splotchy shade of purple. It clashed with her hair.

Finn blinked. "What's fool's gold?"

She whirled on him, her blue eyes radiating a hate that could make the Lich himself muss his trousers.

"And how in tarnation should I know? It's your fool translatin' machine!"

Finn huffed. "Look, Lady-"

"I'm 14 as soon as I'm a day, don't speak to me like I'm some old spinster-!"

Finn ignored the outburst. "It's the best we could find, OK? Once we get to the Candy Kingdom, we'll find you a better one. And if we can't, PB can just make one!"

Sayaka folded her arms over her breastplate, and pouted. Of all the weird, nonsensical things she'd seen in Ooo- knife storms (that were exactly what they sounded like), and entire kingdom made of candy, talking everything... it really should figure that a universal translator would be so randomly useless.

"Kinda wish we thought of that with Lady-"

"Confound it, I said-!"

"Not you, my wife," Jake interrupted. He turned back to Finn. "Woulda saved a lot of time."

"What? You're the one who wanted to go-"

"I did not, Finn, you been bonked on the dome-piece too many times-"

Sayaka Miki groaned, rubbing her temples and tuning the idiots out. She'd always been the "energetic" one of the group, but this kid and his talking, shapeshifting dog/brother/roommate (what the f-heck) were the most schizophrenic balls of pure irritation she'd ever encountered.

And she'd babysat kids whose idea of fun was "let's shove crayons up Sayaka-San's nose when she's trying to make us dinner!"

Also, Kyoko.

She was going to _kill_ Madoka when she got didn't matter that Madoka was an omnipresent law of physics who could be "killed" about as easily as one could kill _temperature._

She'd find a way. She'd find a way.

She looked down at her Universal Translator.

Oh. Did the narration say "Universal?" Sorry. It meant %$&*&%.

Didn't get that? Neither did the translator, because it was a piece of crap.

The problem was, it was only Universal in one direction. It could translate any language, but only into one of three presets (drawn on, it might be added, in marker on masking tape) selected on a dial. Those presets were:

1.) "Binary." 01101110 01101111 01110000 01100101 0101110

2.) "Sexy Rottweiler." It just sounded like a bunch of barks to Sayaka, but Jake, for some reason, went red as a tomato (even his fur) and quickly told her to turn it off while covering Finn's ears.

And the third...

"So Jake, you read a lot, what the math is "Olde-Timey Western?'"

The dog, walking on his hind legs, shrugged. "I 'unno. Think Marceline would know? She's pretty old."

"Oh yeah. Let's go ask here once we're do- oh no, not nowwwww." Finn's voice took on a grating whine as he drew his blood-red sword in a distinctly weary, put-upon manner, "I don't wanna deal with you, Simon, can you just bounce and kidnap a princess later, like tomorrow?"

_ ...What._

Sayaka looked where Finn was looking. Flying in the air was an old man with an impossibly long nose, white eyes, and pale blue skin, wearing a dark blue robe (which looked suspiciously like a bedsheet someone sewed sleeves onto) and a golden crown with three redgems in it.

He was flying with his beard. Would he have been standing, it would have hung down to his knees at least, but now it was flapping merrily along like a pair of wings, suspending him in the air.

Sayaka's ear twitched. Her eyes were too tired to do it from overuse and something had to take up the slack.

Before she could say anything, the flying man spoke first in a nasally voice, "Oh, Finn, whoooossssseeeee thhiiisssssss? Flame Princess is gonna be sooooo jealousssss~!"

"No she won't!" Finn yelled, his voice cracking slightly, "I'm just taking her to see PB!"

"Yeah!" Jake added so as not to feel left out.

The man, Simon or something like that, ignored them, and looked at Sayaka with an expresoh my god what is wrong with his face and why is he reclining in midair like that-

"So," he said with a voice like silk dipped in creepy, "what's you're name, beautiful? Sword Princess? Cape Princess?"

Sayaka backed away. "Ah, let's skedaddle, cowpokes."

"Oooo, another one playing hard to get, eh? Well-" he righted himself in the air. "Then I'll guess I'll just have to kidnap you, Mystery Princess! HAHAHAha-hurk, hack, hahahaha...oh that's murder on the throat..."

Sayaka smirked, and leaned back, wrapping her cape around herself. The white cape shrunk, then billowed, as if the cloth itself was drawing breath. She stood up, throwing back the cape with her arms, and revealed a circle of swords buried in the ground.

"You just woke up the wrong passenger, partner. Now, unless you want to be in a heap of trouble, just turn your horse around and get outta town, because there ain't enough room for the-"

"-Two of us, all to ourselves! Isn't it great, honey bunch?"

Sayaka, frozen in a block of ice and behind bars, stared at the Ice King with a glare that could flash-freeze lava.

Not all that much use, considering that the Ice King's living room-slash-prison chamber consisted almost entirely of ice, but points for effort.

Somehow ignoring or misinterpreting Sayaka's very sincere efforts to try and convert her raw hatred into eye-lasers, the Ice King's pointed-tooth grin got even wider, which really just made him look like a demented bearded shark.

"Wenk."

"Oh, and Gunter, too. And Gunter. And Goonter, and..."

...Finn, if you don't get here soon, I will use your hair as cattle feed.

...OH GOD, IT'S IN MY BRAIIIIN!

~FIN~

"...and Guunter, and can't forget about Gunter, the little ragamuffin, and..."


End file.
